Diary Entry 1: Things Only Those Close Would Know

From one thought daughter to another

I’ve grown up feeling unseen. I’m not saying my childhood was the worst in the world, but there are things I wish I never went through. I carry a heart that is too heavy for the world to hold. There were times I would glance in the mirror and replay the words of the world. “You’re too much” (mentioning my personality and size), “You’re too dark”, and in those moments I realized the depth of my feelings and being were too much for a lot of people. I learned from an early age to hide, fold myself up, quite myself, so I wouldn’t be a nuisance to those around me.

I don’t know what it was and still is about me that causes people to paint a narrative about me before even knowing how I truly am. There are places of my heart that those only close could explore and there are thoughts only those close would know. If you really know me you would know how I longed for love. And I’m not talking about the type that lasts for only a moment and disappears, or the type that gives shallow flirtations. I’m talking about the kind that is gentle, tender, and built on faith. Still, I haven’t come across it yet. Instead, I went searching in the wrong places and talking to the wrong people thinking that what they would give me is “love”. I was searching for a sense of validation but ended up feeling lonely and relentless when everything was over. The world fed me this false sense of affection that caused me to sin against myself, making me think that if I gave myself away (even to myself) I would finally feel what my heart was craving. But no matter how far I wandered or how deep a rabbit hole I went down, the “love” I was chasing was still too far.

If you were to search my heart you would find the following: severe anxiety that causes my heart to beat like a drum that no one else seems to hear, panic attacks that pop up out of no where, you would observe how I rub my ears when I’m nervous or overstimulated, and see emotions that pour over me like waves during random parts of the day. I have emotions too intense to control and the only way to understand why is by overthinking every glance, word spoken, and silent moment. But through all of this I have found some joys; baking, art, and writing, but this is something that only those close would find out.

If you were close enough to observe, you would see how sunsets make me cry sometimes. They aren’t tears of sadness, but tears of appreciation for The Creator. The colors in the sky are more than colors for me. I see the soft reminders from God that there is beauty in the world, silent miracles, and new beginnings. Flowers also hold a deep significance for me. My favorite flowers are tulips, lilies, and hibiscuses. Lilies show me purity, tulips show me hope, and hibiscuses show delicate strength. Every nuance of life softly speaks its own story written by The Author of All Things. Every little detail of life matters to me and that seems to push people away. I go through life with true genuine intentions. I think that’s where people think I’m “too much”.

If you were the transport into my mind you would see how I think about love almost every part of the day. I just don’t think about romantic love, I think about every type of love imaginable:

~Romantic Love

~Familial Love

~Platonic Love

~Unconditional Love

~Admirative Love

~Spiritual Love

(These are to name a few)

I dream of coming across someone who notices me how God does. Dream of meeting someone who will memorize even the smallest details about me—the beauty mark under my left eye, the only type of grapes I like to eat (green autumn crisp), the way I laugh when I’m comfortable, the way I worry about EVERYTHING, and the subtle tremor in my voice when I’m nervous. I want to have someone who doesn’t think they have to do grand gestures to get my attention. I actually find joy in the quiet and simple things. A bible study in the park, a sunset picnic on the beach, or even just sitting and talking together would bring me a lot more joy than going to any fancy restaurant. To me love isn’t about perfection, flashiness, or riches, but about having a type of love that is ordained by the Lord himself. I want someone who has a heart that can walk by mines without rushing, demanding, or judging the way I am. I want the type of love that sees my sensitivity as a gift, sees my way of thinking as depth, and sees my anxiety as a greater initiative to cherish my heart. But of course only those who are close will be able to catch on.

And so I pray, not for someone perfect, or someone who can fix me, but for someone who wants to heal me, instead of fix me. I know I can’t wait for a man to come heal me, that’s why I’m on a healing journey right now, it would just be nice to have another person who cares. I would love to have someone who loves me faithfully and patiently as we both grow together. Obviously this would only be known by those close to my heart.

I live by this mantra; “To be loved, it to be seen”

Having someone notice even the little things about you is one of the deepest forms of love. So, I put my trust in God and His timing.

Deep down inside, I know that the love that I long for won’t come from the world’s reflections. It is in the soft hands of the one who knows my heart, who memorized every part of my soul, and honors every aspect of me. In this journey I learned to love myself, honor my own emotions, and to treasure the small things that make me happy—the sunsets that brings tears to me eyes, the flowers that tell a story, the green autumn crisp grapes that I would buy multiples of, and the rhythm of my own heartbeat, waiting on the love that I and the Lord both know I deserve.

Come to think of it, there is someone close who knows every little detail about me. And this man has never given the same type of “love” that the world has. This man loves me unconditionally and loves everything about me, because my whole being was made by His hands and sacrifice. This man has been with me from the beginning and His name is Jesus. He is the close one who will always know more about me than any person I will ever come across. Even though I may be misunderstood by the world, I know my heart will be forever safe in His hands.

xoxo,

Aemi